Got hit by an SUV today last year. Well, it was a crossover technically. Still. Smashed up my head pretty bad on the concrete. Can't imagine what would have happened if it was an Explorer or anything without a rollover hood on the front. I flipped over the top on the car onto the crosswalk. My bike was pinned underneath. The fire department pulled it out. An ambulance picked me up. I remember trying to make sense of the world from the ground, remember the slow flashing of the blinking red, remember telling myself not to move again until I feel my hands, remember the world in slow motion, remember being surprised at being alive. I could have died. I didn't die. All of this is bonus time.
What have I learned since then? Have I made the most of this bonus time? What have I made of this year?
It's interesting what you decide to do when you realize your time is limited. But also, it's equally interesting how easy it is to not change, to quickly slip back to doing the same thing day after day and waste your time.
Today, a judge released several prisoners with an apology after serving 36 years of life sentences. He can apologize all he wants, but they'll never get those years back. This is truly criminal.
How many of us walk free and squander our years? Our days and our hours.
So many of us are staring at our phones, waiting for someone to love us, shopping for a dose of freedom or power. So many of us are doing the very bare minimum for ourselves.
So what have I done? At first thought, I draw a blank. It takes time to take stock of a year.
Well, I recorded my first album! That’s big, actually. Eric pulled me aside in the studio and said, “Julian, our high school selves would be so proud of us for what we’re doing here.” I think that’s true. I also think my future self will be proud of having done that. Making art is a fundamentally different way of approaching life. It’s the creation of a legacy, a richness of experience that is uniquely different from the endless hours of perusal on social media that I’ve sunk this year, the pointless time arguing with people on messaging apps.
I've been able to make an album for years, why did I start this year? I don't know. It was the best experience of friendship of the past decade of my life. We’re already laying the groundwork for doing it again next year with all of the things we’ve learned.
How have I changed as a person this year? Aside from the bigger life moves, are there subtler changes to who I am as a result of having had this near-death experience? I think I waste less time doing the things I want to do, bringing together the people that matter to me, feeding people, creating special moments and becoming a better host to community rather than a satellite. I used to be traveling all the time, fellowship in Kathmandu, embassy job in Hanoi, gross national happiness ambassador in Thimphu. Community was something I flew in for and mostly took for granted in its gestation. I appreciated family, of course, but now I find that I am more interested in nourishing that same sense of home that helped me get to where I am now in my life.
It’s an unexpected change.
